I was having a decent and nice good friendly conversation with a friend of mine recently. Just a few days ago, over a cup of oolong chinese tea. The settings is rather ok. Smokes and ciggies goes with it and it leads to some life conversation. So called "life conversation" which you poured out and talk talk talk blah blah blah. Anyway, straight to the point.
I was asked what is my future plans and what am i planning plus thinking all the while and of course my priority to life. I, of course, tells the truth and you know what, starts the talking. I talk and explain and talk. Then, i was shock and of course feels a little dumbfounded. The answers and opinion given to me is that i care too much about my family, my friends, my parents and etc etc etc except MYSELF. I was told that i do not care really what I REALLY wanted and what is in my heart. Rather i love and care too much to pretty everyone else except myself.
I kept silent but was a little shock at that time. I smoke and i thought. My mind went blank. I did not expect to received this answer and somehow, i felt funny. After a while, when my mind settles and starts to realised that there might be a point for me to discover about myself. I was ridden with responsibility as the man of the family, the eldest sibling guy with my 2 younger sisters, my start-to-aging parents ready for retirement, my future and my career, plenty more responsilities and etc etc. I am a man full of responsilities and not that i am different but this is me.
It is just that i realised that this person has a point. He mention that my love one will be the one who suffers and feels the pain. The justifications was that i care about everyone else too much and there will not be enough love for her. My attention and care/love from my heart poured out to all the people that i care that it is simply not enough for my love one and myself. I will feel distance from myself and will not achieve what i wanted simply because i do not care about myself.
Now i am wondering, is it that i am a too-good-to-be-true kinda guy or am i a selfish guy who cares too much about others except for the most important person, my love and myself. I dunno. I am now still in a dilemma. Am i doing the right thing? I felt i am groomed this way. The exposure and the experiences i've got perhaps is due to my growing up environments and experiences that goes along with it. I have never felt the joy for pleasing myself or maybe it is a just a flash joy.
But, everytime i care and makes people happy, when i get a smile or positive feedback, my heart is filled with joy and happiness. I enjoy making people feels happy. In reverse, i get the best thing in the world, a sincere HAPPY SMILE :) Maybe perhaps due to that, i care about peoples feelings more often than my own feelings. Maybe that is why my friend says that my love one will suffer because of this....What do you think?
Now, can anyone tells me, am i too selfish for my love one or is it that this is the way a man should be? Tell me...
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Dilemma...
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1 comment:
You must have a very good friend, and a wise friend, to ask you that question and to give you that response. You yourself are wise to leave the question open, and keep wondering about it.
I have a friend who is generous- even when he is very poor, he is always bringing gifts. Because he is intelligent, he finds amazing and thoughtful gifts sometimes without spending a lot of money.
As you can imagine, this makes him very popular especially with new friends, younger friends who are flattered, and oh yes, some girls like this very much.
The problem is, those of us who have known him for a long time do not find it so charming, because we have seen his other side. It may seem like a small thing, but you cannot give him a gift, he won't accept it, he hides his birthday. If you give him something and insist (like: you're cold, take my extra coat and shut up about it!) then he's upset- as though accepting something from someone not only bothers him intellectually, but he's actually uncomfortable- he doesn't know what to say, you can tell it makes him feel very bad to accept it, for some reason he doesn't know how to be happy.
Well, he is a character and has many other unusual points, I can tell you that he's happy most of the time, but I feel sorry for him because this quality makes him very lonely- espcially with girls who soon discover that they are never allowed to give him anything and so they can never get any praise and thanks. Then it feels like he's being selfish, like he's greedy to be the one who gives.
I don't think you're such an extreme case, but this example may show the idea- some people who think of others are not good at letting others think of them, and that's a problem. I think your friend pointed this out.
There's another point too- and you mentioned it because of what you said about responsibility. You take care of your family not only because you are happy to do so, but because of your responsibility to take care of them. Your virtue is to see that, to not be able to hide your eyes from the truth of it. It is a good thing, it is inescapable, it is who you are- but for that reason too I would advise you that there is another side to the story.
When you mention your service to your family, I understand you mean the leadership and work every day to take care of the family. That requires the best of your body and mind.
But there is another thing- call it genius. Some have said (and I believe it) that the quality of genius exists in every human if they can only reach for that part of themselves. Something happens when we become so caught up in what we love- art or music, a great story or a great walk- somehow we rise above our usual selves and gain some sort of insight about things that is beyond what we would normally be capable. I think this happens to everyone at least once in a while, and you can cultivate and encourage the possibility of it.
Anyway, my point is that in order to cultivate genius, you must follow some passion, call it what you will, something that's very interesting to you. (it has to be interesting, because you're going to wind up doing a lot of it so you'd better like it)
Maybe it's writing poetry. Maybe it's teaching children or making fishing poles or figuring out old historical documents, or designing houses. It could be anything, and only you can figure out what it is.
And the reason that paying attention, and giving time, to these things is something you owe to your family? Because you owe more to your family than just being a good servant, a good provider, a good friend, even thought those are all very important! Your family needs you to do more- they need you to flourish as best you can, to realize your own genius and to inspire them to their own genius.
If you are truly in harmony with your own nature, then I think the best you can be for yourself and for your family are the same anyhow. Look at your young sisters and brothers, don't you want them to blossom like powerful flowers to go forth and be glorious and happy in the world? Of course! And so they all want that of you, too.
So don't let the long hard work of a family wear you down, but neither let it be a convenient excuse not to have to think for yourself, but only to be reactive to others.
It helps to take a vacation, even a short one, overnight, a train ride to some unfamiliar place where you can sit in solitude and look at nature, the sea, the sky, whatever. Be alone for a little bit and recall the things that mean the most to you, and think of how you could help them blossom.
I have a small god-daughter who is nearly 3, and she loves music. When she visits, she always wants to hear me play guitar. I am honored of course, and when I play for her I work the hardest to play well, to express with grace and purity and all the things I hope to reach in my music.
She listens so intently, that I can't but hope that if I can show some bit of inspiration, she'll recognize it, and say "Oh, I can do that too like my uncle" Last visit I gave her my old camping guitar, which is 1/4 size, but it's a real guitar, in tune and sounds good, and I hear that she carries it with her constantly and refuses to be parted from it. And when she plays, it sure sounds good to me.
That's my advice, anyhow. IF I were telling me, I'd say "Play some music" or "make some art" or "build a hotrod" or "ride a motorcycle" or something, but I don't know what makes you grin.
Good luck! Live well!
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